Lt Doogie Howser
by planetkiller
Summary: AU. 'Well, where is Lt. Thomas, sergeant? That is a child.' Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Yes, I promised I wouldn't do it, but here's a sequel to 'Sgt. Dionne Warwick.' You don't need to read 'Sgt.' first, but it may help with one small joke at the very end. It's finished, but I'm gonna upload one chapter a day. Have fun with that.

AU, because the only thing I ever remember them saying about SG-10 was they were the team that got sucked into the black hole. Obviously, this SG-10 is not that team. I'm thinking that they were probably the 'lost' team's replacements. Also, if SG-10 was investigating a black hole, I doubt they were a black ops unit. This SG-10 changed functions about the same time they were replacing the old team. Yes, Manda, Doogie Howser was that kid doctor on TV. Also, slight spoiler for Atlantis episode "The Defiant One." Slight as in, if you haven't seen it, you won't notice the spoiler.

This is unbetaed so I'm fairly certain all the characters you know and love are gonna by OOC. Tell me. I really want to get this right, so if my Daniel does something stupid, tell me. Or if you don't like something. Or anything. Since I'm new at this I want you guys to help. Just be polite about it. And (I love my betas! I really do! But you guys know nothing about SG) if anyone wants to beta this, holla!

On a totally unrelated matter, aren't all fanfics AUs? I mean, if we had to write them, it obviously didn't happen on the show and as such isn't canon. I tried to raise this point with "Sgt..." it went over well so that's going on all my fics now.

NOTE: I'm refuse to say two particular words. I'm pretty sure you'll figure out what they are.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Stargate. Gekko does. (That always makes me think of the little lizard with the British accent.) Some other people own it as well. They are all much richer. I think everybody's done a "team member becomes kid fic" so I stole that from the same person everybody else did. There were a few quotes that were inspired by Danvers and the yoghurt thing belongs to Anais.

* * *

"What the hell did you do? Didn't she tell you to not frinking touch anything? 'Cause she sure as hell told me not to touch any damn thing! She frinking told Sniper not to touch any damn thing. And I know she frinking told _you_ not to touch any frinking thing, 'cause I was there when she frinking told you! So why the hell did you frinkin' touch that frinkin' thing?"

I knew I was hysterical, but I didn't care then and I sure as frink don't care now. When I stepped out the 'gate on P8X-179, Alien was well into her third or fourth scan of the immediate area.

"Medic!" Davis yelled. I jumped and reached for my bag before I realised it wasn't a 'we-need-help' shout. I ambled over to the s.o.b. acting like my heart wasn't trying to beat its way out my chest.

"Sir?" Before he could tell me what he wanted, Alien called.

"Cover your eyes." As one, we turned to Alien and stared at her appearance. She had goggles on over her glasses and looked exactly like a mad scientist from a '50s movie. A bad '50s movie. Alien help up some weird device. "UV scan," she explained. We turned our backs and covered our eyes as we listened to the humming of her equipment. Briefly, I wondered why the hell she needed to do an UV scan. "Clear." We turned back around and watched as Alien began to pack up her equipment.

"Sarge," Davis called. Absently, she flapped her hand at a point slightly to the left of us and continued working. "Guess we're going to have to begin this without her. She knows it anyway."

"I sure frinkin' hope so; she's the intel dude," I muttered watching Sniper flinch when I cursed. That's part of the reason I do it so damn much.

"We're here as an advance scout team. Our mission is to look around and decide who gets to come to the planet 'first'." Davis said. "I hope this is an A5 mission; we've not had one of those in forever."

Davis was referring to the codes we use to describe a mission. A5 would be the easiest; a planet perfect for an Area-51 research team. Next is a C2 rating. That means a SGC research team; they're gonna be armed and probably babysat. After that is a C1 rating 'indicating that a SGC military team needs to make first contact'. G0 is the term used to say we gotta do intel and go back to Earth to regroup before coming back and taking a hostile out. I hate G0 ratings, because they mean the most work for the team. The highest rating is a L3. It's when a planet is so frinkin' dangerous, they lock it out the damn computer so no one can frinkin' return. Ironically, they don't cause very much work on my part. I just bandage stuff and tell Janet what happened while she tries to patch us up.

We were all lost in the thoughts of our last mission (a L3 to the tenth power) when Alien decided to scare the frinkin' crap out of us. I'm surprised all her equipment is in one damn piece, if she always treats it like that. She muttered an apology and kept on throwing her damn equipment around.

"Well, now that my heart has started beating again!" Davis looked pointedly at Alien who just as pointedly ignored him. " Anybody have anything else to add?" Sniper and I looked at each other before shaking our heads as Alien ran up.

"We need to go that way," she said pointing off into the forest. Davis started to say something, but she kept on walking.

"Guess we're going that way," Davis muttered as he shouldered his ruck. He looked at Sniper who had followed Alien without even waiting for Davis to say anything before turning to me. "I'm going to _have_ to talk to her about the Absent Minded Professor Syndrome, aren't I?"

"Well, a little more than 'that way' would be nice, but...as long as we're still listening to you when it counts, I think we're okay."

"If you think so, James," Davis said. "Let's go." I grumbled to myself as we took off across the damn forest after our teammates.

SG10SG10SG10SG10

O'Neill was right. Every frinkin' planet we go to is either covered in frinkin' trees or a frinkin' desert. I spoke on this topic at great length to Davis as we traipsed after Sniper and Alien. Which was why I was slightly mortified when after about half a klick the trees gave way to prairie. And I felt even worse when prairie slowly gave way to desert. At least, Davis wouldn't screw with me about it. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't even notice the ruins until we were on them.

"Oh my God." Silently, I agreed with Sniper. The ruins were vast, stretching well over a klick in all directions. I didn't recognize the architecture, but even destroyed and weather-beaten, the buildings were elegant and beautiful. All of us stared in quiet awe. Even Alien who had grown up on digs.

"It's beautiful. Any idea..." Davis trailed off.

"None. Doric columns. That's a minaret. Egyptian recessed doorways. Germanic arches. See that; Welsh ha' penny bridge." Alien paused for a moment. "It's almost like somebody went to Earth, toured the entire planet, and came home and made their own versions." She started into the ruins, but I reached out and grabbed her.

"I'm not too damn sure that's a good idea, Alien," I said as a sudden feeling of panic gripped me. She muttered something in a language I'd never heard before and walked into the city. "Alien?" She didn't glance back. "Sarge?" Davis and I shared a look.

"Sgt. Jackson, A-TEN-HUT!" Davis bellowed in his best 'I'm-a-lieutenant. Obey-me.' voice. Alien never even flinched. "Shit." We followed our errant friend into a cul-de-sac towards the middle of the city. She went straight to a square column and stopped.

"Alien?" Sniper asked cautiously, after she'd been staring at the column for a while.

"Yeah?" Alien responded as she turned around. I looked at her eyes; dazed, slightly panicked, and a slight remnant of the blankness they'd shown when I grabbed her earlier.

"Oh, um, sorry. It's just so pretty..." She was trying to make sure Sniper and Davis didn't notice. We both lived in utter fear of that moment. "Um, stay here. You can look around; just don't touch anything 'til we come back and translate this stuff." Alien pointed. "There's something shiny over there and we're getting a slight EM reading. That's where we're gonna be if you need us." Alien took off and I followed until we were far enough that Sniper and Davis couldn't hear.

"You okay?" I asked softly.

"Perfectly fine," the little translator said too chipperly.

"You sure? It's just that you looked kinda dazed a minute, ago. Almost looked like somebody whose blood sugar was falling," I said nonchalantly as I watched her. Alien froze before turning to me and offering a sheepish grin. I opened my mouth to tell her that if she couldn't make sure to eat, I'd talk to Dr. Fraiser, but I stopped.

This was her frinkin' life. If I told somebody about this, there was a damn good chance she'd get kicked out the army. Hell, who was I trying to fool? They'd kick Alien out of the army and at best, she'd be forced to stay in the Mountain and work on what we brought back. At worst, she'd be back at Oxford; playing with reactors during the day and teaching classes with names like "The Evolution of Modern English" at night. Alien wouldn't be able to deal with going back to Oxford. She'd been called nuts for so long that to find out everything was real and she couldn't tell anybody would most likely drive her nuts, if she wasn't already. "Okay," I conceded to my hypoglycemic friend as I handed her a chocolate bar, "but if you start to feel light-headed or the lost feeling comes back...tell me." I watched as she headed off in the direction the doohickey in her hand indicated and hoped to whatever gods may be out there that I didn't do the wrong thing.

* * *

Please, remember: any criticism should be constructive. :) 


	2. Chapter 2

**Kody Wright:** If you've read 'Sgt. Dionne Warwick', you might remember a character named Medic Jamie Bliss (not sure if i had decided on a first name then) who had maybe three lines. It's his POV. (obviously, his role grew a little D) Glad you're liking it so far!

**Village-Mystic:** Sorry, but I've never seen Doogie Howser. I just heard that it was about a kid doctor or something and thought titling it 'Lt. Doogie Howser' fit into the series since the first one was named after a famous person. Hopefully, you'll want to keep reading anyway.

**RowenaR: **Everyone go read her fic 'Minor Characters: Odd Man Out.' She got the idea from 'Sgt. Dionne Warwick' and she ran with it. She's done way better than I did with the original.

**A/N:** Yes, I promised I wouldn't do it, but here's a sequel to 'Sgt. Dionne Warwick.' You don't need to read 'Sgt.' first, but it may help with one small joke at the very end. It's finished, but I'm gonna upload one chapter a day. Have fun with that.

AU, because the only thing I ever remember them saying about SG-10 was they were the team that got sucked into the black hole. Obviously, this SG-10 is not that team. I'm thinking that they were probably the 'lost' team's replacements. Also, if SG-10 was investigating a black hole, I doubt they were a black ops unit. This SG-10 changed functions about the same time they were replacing the old team. Yes, Manda, Doogie Howser was that kid doctor on TV. Also, slight spoiler for Atlantis episode "The Defiant One." Slight as in, if you haven't seen it, you won't notice the spoiler.

This is unbetaed so I'm fairly certain all the characters you know and love are gonna by OOC. Tell me. I really want to get this right, so if my Daniel does something stupid, tell me. Or if you don't like something. Or anything. Since I'm new at this I want you guys to help. Just be polite about it. And (I love my betas! I really do! But you guys know nothing about SG) if anyone wants to beta this, holla!

On a totally unrelated matter, aren't all fanfics AUs? I mean, if we had to write them, it obviously didn't happen on the show and as such isn't canon. I tried to raise this point with "Sgt..." it went over well so that's going on all my fics now.

**_NOTE:_** There're two words I refuse to say. I'm pretty sure you can figure them out. All my characters are based on real people so yes, people really do curse like this. Some are even worse. Somebody warned me so I decided to put a blanket thing on all my stories (het, slash, gen,) Please, bring an open mind. Remember, everyone's life is not the same.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Stargate. Gekko does. (That always makes me think of the little lizard with the British accent.) Some other people own it as well. They are all much richer. I think everybody's done a "team member becomes kid fic" so I stole that from the same person everybody else did. There were a few quotes that were inspired by Danvers and the yoghurt thing belongs to Anais. Somebody warned me once (actually they threatened to report me to the mods...) so I decided to put a blanket thing on all my stories (het, slash, gen,) Please, bring an open mind. Remember, everyone's life is not the same.

* * *

Half an hour later, I was stretched out on the sand trying to get a tan, despite the fact I was fully clothed. Sniper was sitting cross-legged a little ways away with an open book. From where I was laying, I couldn't see the cover, but since he had a degree in Shakespearean literature, I could guess. I sat up a little and watched for a bit as Davis wandered around the perimeter. Probably making sure it was secure or some shit. As I stretched out further, I closed my eyes against the harsh sun hoping to get a little sleep. Which is why I missed what happened to Davis. There was no sound to indicate anything had happened; just Sniper's yell of "Sir!" I was up before brain had fully processed anything.

Which is how we got to where we were in the beginning. Me shrieking hysterically at Davis. Sniper screaming for Alien. Alien running her ass off trying to get there before I killed him. Good luck at that.

"Oh our gods, what happened?" Alien asked as she stopped just short of slamming into Sniper. "We told you not to touch anything! You touched something didn't you?" She started yelling in a mix of Arabic and French, gesticulating wildly, while I went back to cursing at Davis. Sniper had the greatest presence of mind outta all of us; he took pictures of that damn column.

"Guys?" Alien and I just ignored him and continued with our rants."Guys? ... GUYS?" As one we turned and stared at Sniper. "Don't you think we should get the lieutenant back to the SGC so Dr. Fraiser can check him out?"

"Oops."

The trek back to the 'gate seemed twice as long as it had earlier. It was really all Davis's fault. He just kept right on complaining, like it was my damn fault or something. By the time we finally reached the goshdamned 'gate, I was plotting ways to murder him without anybody realising I'd done it.

I was the first person to step out the 'event horizon' on the other side, followed closely by Sniper. We both practically sprinted down the ramp to somewhere we could see Gen. Hammond's face from. Alien and Davis exited the wormhole and walked calmly down the ramp as the 'gate closed down.

"Sergeant, it's good to see you, but I thought you said Lt. Thomas was in need of medical assistance," Hammond said in his 'Jack-what-the-hell-have-you-done?' voice. Alien took it in stride, however. She should. O'Neill calls it the 'Kiddo-what-the-hell-have-you-done?' voice.

"Yes, sir. The lieutenant does need Dr. Fraiser, sir."

"Well, where is he, sergeant?" he asked exasperated.

"Right here, sir," Alien gestured at Davis. This was the moment that me and Sniper had been waiting for.

"Sergeant, I believe you are the one who needs to speak to Dr. Fraiser. That is a child."

"Sarge, didn't I tell you to warn the SGC what to expect?" And there it was. The face Gen. Hammond made was worth disobeying orders.

"Um...yes, sir, you did." Alien shuffled her feet and sat him down. Davis looked to be about ten, maybe a little younger. He actually looked kinda cute; what with the uniform being so big on him and the helmet sorta covering his eyes and stomping around in his boots. It was like his dad was a soldier and he had decided to play dress-up. I thought back over that and decided to make an appointment with Dr. Mac immediately.

"Why didn't you tell them, Sarge?" Davis asked in his 'I'm-a-lieutenant. Obey-me.' voice. It was damned funny. This little bitty kid rebuking an almost 6 foot soldier.

'REBUKING'? Since when was that part of my damn vocabulary? I decided to make a priority appointment with Dr. Mac.

"Um..." Crap. That bitch was planning on rolling over. "It's all their fault!" Alien said pointing towards me and Sniper. "They told us not to do it! They said it would be hilarious when the general saw you!"

"ALIEN!" Sniper said betrayed.

"We're sorry, Sniper, but what'd you want us to do?"

"Not betray your friends!"

"If we're going down, you're going down with us!" she yelled back. Suddenly, I had utter clarity.

"This is why they call us wackos."

"SHUT UP!" It was in two different languages, yelled by three different people, but that's what I got yelled at me for trying to share my clarity with the world.

"FRINK YOU, YOU DAMNED PSYCHOS!" I'll admit it. My response left a lot to be desired.

"Be quiet."

Until that moment, I had forgotten the general was in the room. I'm pretty sure everybody else (including the SFs) had forgotten, too, since they all stopped at the quiet statement.

"I think, it would be a good idea to get Lt. Thomas to the infirmary. Dismissed." Hammond turned and walked out of the room as we all stared in awe.

"Damn. You think I'll ever be a leader that great?"

"Maybe when you grow up. Oh, sir, we're so sorry! We weren't..."

"Sarge...pick me up and take me to Fraiser." I couldn't help, but laugh.

SG10SG10SG10SG10

I slammed my tray down on the table and stared in horror at the crap that I swear was staring back.

"Oh shit, Davis, I think it's looking at me."

"I don't think fo...this can stare, Jamie," Davis said in his squeaky, little voice as he stared at what was on his tray. It was a smaller portion, but it was the same thing that was on mine; an alien life form bent on global domination by giving the most important people at the SGC food poisoning.

"It's not an alien life form!" Davis said like he was trying to convince himself.

"Didn't realise I'd said that out loud," I mumbled as I poked it with a fork.

"Well, that's comforting," Davis muttered back as he poked my alien lifeform with a fork. "Hey, Doc, what do you have?" I tried to flash a smile at Dr. Chandraputna as he sat down across from Davis. He was an actual medical doctor and was well aware of the 'Thomas Situation.'

"Um..." He poked his with a fork before answering. "Uncooked potato disks covered in...some kind of grey sauce-like thing, and a couple of pieces of bread."

"Ahh, yes, the vegetarian version," I said. "That means _this_ is masquerading as uncooked potato disks and still-bleeding meat covered in some kind of grey sauce-like thing, and a piece of bread."

"Masquerading?" Chandraputna asked.

I explained my theory and the Indian burst out laughing as Alien and Sniper sat down on the bench beside him. I just stared in envy at their trays. Sniper had the carnivore version of the meal, except his was covered in what looked like shredded cheddar cheese and his bread was actually toast covered in butter; Alien's vegetarian version was also covered in cheese and her bread was also toast, but it was covered in something I knew was apricot jelly.

"What's so funny?" Sniper asked as he laid his napkin out in his lap.

"Jamie has a theory about where his food came from."

"Do I want to ask?" Sniper wondered. Chandraputna just shook his head as he laughed quietly. At this time, the evil!chef (yes, it has the exclamation mark in my head!) came ambling over with two cups.

"Here ya go, guys," he said as he sat one on Sniper's tray and the other on Alien's before walking away. Sniper's had fresh made coffee just the way he liked it; sugared to hell and half French vanilla creamer. The string sticking out of Alien's proclaimed it was tea; sweetened with honey and soy milk. The evil!chef even knew how to put the fake milk in so it wasn't scalded. I grumbled under my breath as I watched that bisexual beeyotch watch Alien and Sniper.

At this year's SGC/Area-51 Halloween party, I'd managed to get him drunk. In front of a room full of slightly drunk SFs (most of which were pissed off that Alien and Sniper were getting special treatment), the bitch announced that he wanted both of them at the same time. Suddenly, me and the SFs weren't so excited to get special treatment. Didn't mean that favoritism doesn't suck; just means we don't want the damn favoritism aimed at us.

"Alpha Site to Medic Bliss, I repeat, come in, Medic Bliss," Chandraputna said.

"What is it, Chandy?"

"You're making evil faces at the chef and I asked you why. Still waiting."

"1) it's 'You're making evil faces at the evil!chef and I asked you why.' 2) he's an evil!chef. 3) I'm trying to figure out how he was compromised. You don't just suddenly decide to stick evil aliens on the lunch menu for no reason."

"I thought it was just an alien life form," the surgeon interjected.

"Evil alien; alien life form; what's the difference?" I sipped my cold coffee before picking up a forkful of that crap on my tray. "I'm a..." I glanced up at Chandraputna. He wasn't cleared. "Air Force medic. I go out through the crazy ring o' doom and get shot at by body snatching snakes from hell. I shouldn't be afraid of lunch."

"Crazy ring o' doom?" Alien repeated. "Is that what we're calling the chaapa'ai now?"

"In my head, yes," I said peevishly.

"Are we sure I was the only one effected by the column thingy?" We all turned and looked at Mini-Davis. "Because that's not the first thing you thought you've said to yourself that you've actually said out loud."

"Well, when you're as smart as I am, you can talk out loud to yourself!" I said peevishly.

"I have my masters in chemical engineering," Davis said. Chandraputna started laughing quietly.

"You just use it to blow stuff up! I have a medical degree," I shoved the forkful of alien life form into my mouth and chewed vengefully. "Why aren't you working on changing him back?"

"Because SG-1 found something," Alien muttered, slight anger shining through. "Dr. Jackson is refusing to let anyone who isn't working on their project into the lab."

"What?" Davis shrieked. Chandraputna and I both had to bite our lips to keep from laughing. "That bastard! Doesn't he realise I'm a mini-me?" I burst out laughing followed by Chandraputna. Sniper snorted loudly into his excellent coffee and tried to hide a smirk.

"Actually, we have no clue," Alien responded like this was an everyday occurrence. "We didn't actually get into the lab. We had just started to come in the door when Nyan..."

"The Blinking Bedrosian?" I asked.

"His name is Nyan." We'd had this conversation many times. "...stood in the doorway and just stared at us until Drew handed us a cup of coffee. We don't even drink coffee!"

"Ahh, obviously Dr. Jackson wasn't specific enough with his instructions," Davis said taking a sip of his also cold coffee. "He must've just said turn away all military personnel. How's it feel to be a normal person?" Alien stared at him for a moment before bursting out in near maniacal laughter.

"Normal? Us?" I started worrying when Alien turned an odd blotchy mix of purple and green.

"Dude? Breathe," Sniper said between bouts of laughter.

"Sarge," Davis said softly and I stared in amazement as Alien stopped laughing on a dime. "Good soldier." I snorted coffee out my nose as Chandraputna started choking on his. "How about this? _You_ distract the Blinking Bedrosian..."

"His name is Nyan."

"... while I sneak in and get the books you need? What _do_ you need?" Alien thought about it for a second

"Our journals. That should be enough to find a reference. We've seen a variant of the writing before we just don't know where."

"Good." Davis looked at our empty trays. "Let's go."

* * *

Please, rememer: any criticism needs to be constructive. 


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Yes, I promised I wouldn't do it, but here's a sequel to 'Sgt. Dionne Warwick.' You don't need to read 'Sgt.' first, but it may help with one small joke at the very end. It's finished, but I'm gonna upload one chapter a day. Have fun with that.

AU, because the only thing I ever remember them saying about SG-10 was they were the team that got sucked into the black hole. Obviously, this SG-10 is not that team. I'm thinking that they were probably the 'lost' team's replacements. Also, if SG-10 was investigating a black hole, I doubt they were a black ops unit. This SG-10 changed functions about the same time they were replacing the old team. Yes, Manda, Doogie Howser was that kid doctor on TV. Also, slight spoiler for Atlantis episode "The Defiant One." Slight as in, if you haven't seen it, you won't notice the spoiler.

Betaed by the world renowned RowenaR. She does a great job and any mistakes are all mine.

On a totally unrelated matter, aren't all fanfics AUs? I mean, if we had to write them, it obviously didn't happen on the show and as such isn't canon. I tried to raise this point with "Sgt..." it went over well so that's going on all my fics now.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Stargate. Gekko does. (That always makes me think of the little lizard with the British accent.) Some other people own it as well. They are all much richer. I think everybody's done a "team member becomes kid fic" so I stole that from the same person everybody else did. There were a few quotes that were inspired by Danvers and the yoghurt thing belongs to Anais. Somebody warned me so I decided to put a blanket thing on all my stories (het, slash, gen,) Please, bring an open mind. Remember, everyone's life is not the same.

* * *

We stopped where we could see Archaeo. Lab. 13 if we turned the corner. Alien sat Davis down and he regarded us all with his 'I'm-in-charge-and-have-a-plan' face. Poor Chandraputna didn't know to be frightened. We did; it was the face we saw right before we ended up in a jail cell. 

"Alright, Sarge," Davis began, "You go in and distract the Blinkin' Bedrosian..."

"Nyan."

"...Private Harrison, you go down the hall and station yourself around that corner where you'll serve as lookout. Medic Bliss, you will station yourself somewhere down the hall and serve as a lookout. Try not to be obvious. Dr. Chandraputna, you'll stay here and serve as a lookout. If you see the general or SG-1 coming, go tell Medic Bliss. Then, head straight for Sarge's office. Understood?"

"Yes, sir." None of us could help it. He may have been a mini, but he was still our C.O.

Alien walked off, first. She had barely put a foot in the door before the Blinkin' Bedrosian was there.

"Hi, Nyan," she said kissing him on both cheeks. Alien looked over his shoulder and called, "Drew, we don't want the coffee! We want into the room!"

"Sorry, Alien, but Dr. Jackson said..."

"We know what Dr. Jackson said." I had to stifle my laughter as she put her hand on his chest. "And we're fairly certain he didn't mean _us!_" Sniper turned and nodded to me and Chandraputna before heading around the corner. "Come on, Nyan, please," Alien begged moving her hand to his shoulder.

"Hey, Alien!" Sniper called. "I'm gonna be in your office working on that stupid report. What was the planet's name again?"

"P8X-179," the paratrooper called back sounding distracted as she began moving her hand subtly in small circles. Suddenly, I had an idea. When I finally returned, it was my turn to stake out a spot. Keeping up the pace I'd used when I was trying not to be late, I turned the corner and hurried down the hall.

"Hey, I'm putting this on your des..." I chose that moment to drop the entire armful of papers I was holding. "Shit!" I said as I threw what appeared to be the typed mission report in my right hand into the air before dropping to my knees. "Damn it all to frinkin' hell!" Crawling around on the floor and picking up papers, I kept an eye on Alien and the Blinkin' Bedrosian. As soon as his eyes drifted shut, I nodded at Davis who took off like a shot. He maneuvered across the hall and into the lab without making a single sound.

"_Please_, Nyan," Alien whined behind me. I laughed as the Blinkin' Bedrosian audibly moaned very softly; her hands were only in his hair. _Frinkin' slut_, I thought right before the world came down around us.

There was a loud crash and the normally loud lab suddenly went deathly silent. I couldn't see anything from where I was, but Alien quickly looked over the Blinkin' Bedrosian's shoulder. Both of them stared soundlessly into the lab for a moment before Soldier Mode won out.

"Khara. Code Yellow! Code Yellow!" Suddenly, Sniper and me went into Soldier Mode, too, and we both scrambled for the door. I made it in first and stared in amazement at the sight before me.

"Shit." Mini-Davis was standing on top of a counter pointing his sidearm at a very disheveled Dr. Daniel Jackson. "Davis, what the hell are you doing?" He pointedly ignored me.

"You have to realise that SG-1 is not the only unit on base! You can_not_ keep people out of a lab, because they're not working on whatever you want them to work on! I'm sure whatever Jack O'Neill has done to cause an interplanetary crisis is important! **HOWEVER**, I _know_ what SG-10 is working on is important, too! And since they don't normally do stuff that ends up in the untimely near-demise of our planet, how about you let them have a turn at using the lab?"

"Davis," I said in my most patient tone. "Put the gun down."

"NO!"

"You can't frinkin' shoot Dr. Jackson! It'll just make him more pissed off when he comes back from the dead!"

"Who said he's coming back?" Davis asked maliciously.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, _whoa!_" Jackson interjected. "I'll let Alien borrow the books she needs! How 'bout that? Is that fine?" We both watched Davis closely. He dropped the weapon to his side.

"Thank you! That wasn't that hard, now was it?" Mini-C.O. asked as he tried to get off the counter. Damned if I was gonna help him.

"So...um...what do you..." Jackson stuttered doing that blinking thing. Saviour of the planet, my white ass.

"Just our journals. The one's you're not using; we don't want to interfere in the whole saving of the planet thing," Alien said from behind the Blinkin' Bedrosian. Jackson looked around like he was lost while one of his assistants tried to pull a cardboard box off a shelf. An empty cardboard box, I guess, since he started pulling books off one of the shelves and putting them in it.

"I think we're only using the one from..." Jackson paused and did the weird eyebrow thing.

"P2X-184," the helpful assistant said. The rest were just staring at Davis as he tried to hop off the counter. I'd never seen so many damn goldfish that weren't in a tank.

"P2X-184," Jackson repeated. The assistant walked over and gave the box to Sniper before going straight back to work. "Just wondering, what are you doing?"

"Trying to fix Davis," I snapped as the wee man in question finally hit the floor. I pointed at the lab assistant. "Dude, give that guy a commendation or something." I reached down, grabbed the crazy son-of-a-bitch up off the floor, and headed out into the hall followed by Sniper.

"Bye, Nyan! Say 'hey' to your twin for us, okay?" Alien called over her shoulder as she hurried to keep up with me.

"The Blinkin' Bedrosian has a twin?" I asked angrily.

"Nyan and no, uh, just a guy who looks like him," Alien said distractedly. No doubt she was trying to remember what the pillar said. "He works in astrophysics, though." She followed for a few more steps. "Where we going?"

"_You_ are going to your office. _I_ am taking Davis to Dr. Mac the Quack."

"What? Why?" Davis shrieked.

"Because that wasn't you back there," Sniper piped up. "You're not crazy." Alien and me stopped and stared at him. "Okay, he's crazy. But he doesn't hurt people. At least, not on purpose. Unless they, you know, deserve it. Or he's in a bad mood..." Sniper just kinda trailed off. "Well, that still wasn't normal!"

"And that's why we're going to Dr. Mac the Quack!" I said as I started walking again.

* * *

You guys know the drill. Constructive criticism welcomed. 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Yes, I promised I wouldn't do it, but here's a sequel to 'Sgt. Dionne Warwick.' You don't need to read 'Sgt.' first, but it may help with one small joke at the very end. It's finished, but I'm gonna upload one chapter a day. Have fun with that.

AU, because the only thing I ever remember them saying about SG-10 was they were the team that got sucked into the black hole. Obviously, this SG-10 is not that team. I'm thinking that they were probably the 'lost' team's replacements. Also, if SG-10 was investigating a black hole, I doubt they were a black ops unit. This SG-10 changed functions about the same time they were replacing the old team. Yes, Manda, Doogie Howser was that kid doctor on TV. Also, slight spoiler for Atlantis episode "The Defiant One." Slight as in, if you haven't seen it, you won't notice the spoiler.

Betaed by the world-renown RowenaR. (Who is German just like most of my flist.)

On a totally unrelated matter, aren't all fanfics AUs? I mean, if we had to write them, it obviously didn't happen on the show and as such isn't canon. I tried to raise this point with "Sgt..." it went over well so that's going on all my fics now.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Stargate. Gekko does. (That always makes me think of the little lizard with the British accent.) Some other people own it as well. They are all much richer. I think everybody's done a "team member becomes kid fic" so I stole that from the same person everybody else did. There were a few quotes that were inspired by Danvers and the yoghurt thing belongs to Anais. Somebody warned me so I decided to put a blanket thing on all my stories (het, slash, gen,) Please, bring an open mind. Remember, everyone's life is not the same.

* * *

I had left Davis with the psychiatrist and headed out of the Mountain. At first, I wasn't entirely sure where I was headed, but when I pulled up in front of Davis's apartment I figured it out. I was gonna go talk to his boyfriend.

Peter opened the door before I knocked; apparently, he was going out. However, he's a polite man and invited me in anyway. The apartment was beautiful. Davis or Peter obviously knew alot about decorating. Tasteful; good colour scheme; expensive, but not too expensive. I knew Davis's family had no money, but I still wasn't entirely sure which one had the bankroll. Probably, would never know.

"Please, sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Tea? Chardonnay?"

"Got any coffee?" I asked trying to figure out if there was anything on my jeans that would rub off on the creme couch.

"Yes, I believe we do. It may be a little cold..." Peter's voice trailed off as he disappeared into the kitchen. I decided it was safe and sunk down into the overstuffed couch. "Cream and sugar?" Peter asked popping his head back in.

"Neither," I responded. Glancing around the room, I tried to figure out the market value of most of the stuff in there. Unless Davis was making a whole hell of alot more money than I am, Peter's the rich one. But Davis does work for bomb disposal; those crazy bastards make some serious bank. He came back in the room and handed me the cup of coffee as he sat on the other end of the couch.

"So...Peter, what do you do?" I asked suddenly nervous as I realised I knew nothing about this man.

"I work in Washington. I'm the head P.R. person for Senator Jenna Tolinski," Peter said as he took a sip of his...I think it was tea.

"Senator Tolinkski...where is she from?"

"Alaska. She's the one that favours more handgun laws, the reinstatement of the Assault Weapons Ban, better benefits for families whose loved ones die serving the country, regardless of whether they are civilians, and increasing the Defense Department Budget." Peter looked up over the top of his glasses and met my eyes. "She also favours civil unions for homosexuals and getting rid of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.'" I could tell he was trying to judge my response to that. My best friend is his frinkin' boyfriend; how the hell did he expect me to act?

"That's horrible! I'm a big fan of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell," I rolled my eyes to make sure he noticed the sarcasm.

"Why are you here, Medic Bliss?" Peter broke in. "We're not very close so that means something has happened to Davis. Most likely something that I can't be told about."

"'Medic' is the military term. In the real world, it's 'Dr. Bliss' and yes, something's happened to Davis." I shifted nervously on the sofa. "I can't tell you everything; however, I can tell you he's fine. Well, medically, he's fine." I came up with a lie rather quickly. "Promise me you won't tell him."

"What?" Peter said as he tried to figure out what was going on.

"Promise me you won't tell him that I told you or that you know what's going on."

"I promise." I knew curiosity would win out.

"Davis pulled a gun on one of the scientists." I held my hands up to stop him before he broke in. "The scientist is fine; we managed to calm Davis down before anything happened. They're not pressing charges or anything, but Davis is being held under psychiatric observation for a while." I took a deep breath and pretended to be struggling to control my emotions. "The base psychiatrist isn't going to let him come home for a bit. Currently, they're in session; otherwise, I couldn't have come. I wanted to tell you what was going on so you wouldn't worry." I looked around and stood up nervously. "I need to get back before Dr. M...before the psychiatrist lets him out. Davis'll be worried if I'm not there." I held out my hand. "Thank you for your time, Mr. Hodges." The 'Mr. Hodges' did it. Peter grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug.

"Thank you for coming, Dr. Bliss...and please, call me Peter."

"Sure thing...Peter." I looked up and gave him a shy smile before proceeding him out the door. He even held the car door open for me. Wow, this acting thing is a whole hell of alot easier than I frinkin' thought!

SG10SG10SG10SG10

Back at the Mountain, I walked into Alien's office carrying Davis and gaped at the sight. Chandraputna was sprawled out on Alien's couch spelling out something from a book he was holding in his hand. Based on the writing on the cover, it was one of Alien's journals. Alien was writing what the good doctor was saying on one of the many chalkboards that lined two sides of the room.

While that was kinda weird, it was Sniper who inspired the gaping. He was wandering around Alien's office wearing Alien's hat, Chandraputna's lab coat, and carrying a feather duster. He was busy dusting the weird, little tchotke things Alien had picked up in her travels. I looked at the Mini-Davis I was holding in my arms and we couldn't help it anymore. We burst out in laughter.

"Dammit, Sniper, what do you say to coming by my apartment when you're finished here?" I said chuckling.

"And then, you can head straight over to my house. It needs to be cleaned," Davis added. Like hell it did. Sniper turned to say something, but Alien broke in.

"Shut up! We can't hear Chandraputna!"

"Sorry. Chandy, I didn't know you read Arabic," I said mostly ignoring Alien.

"There are many things you don't know about me. And I have to read French and Arabic to understand this. She writes the French the way someone who speaks Arabic would if they were working it into a story or something," Chandraputna said before going back to reading.

"I know when I'm not wanted," Davis muttered under his breath as I looked at what Alien had written.

"What's that say?"

"'The friends we have are what we wish to be. But sometimes we are not the same. To make what is in their hearts align with what is in ours, this no translation will solve our problem. With this, we shall become what they are.' Direct translation...except for the 'no translation.' Basically..." Alien paused and shifted nervously. "We think we got it. If you touch the pillar or the...um, well, we didn't translate it..." She shifted again. "If you touch the pillar, it anyalises the people sitting in the circle clearing. Then, it analysies you. Then, it decides what the others have that you don't and change you into it." Alien stopped and stared at me. "We're really lucky it wasn't you; otherwise, we never would've known anything was wrong."

"What d'ya mean?" I asked anticipating something snarky.

"You would've stopped cursing." Apparently, Sniper isn't the only one that is upset by that. However, I decided to be the bigger man.

"So why is Davis mini? I mean, Sniper's probably a couple of years younger..."

"I'm 25," he said as he dusted a statue that looked like something a dog barfed up.

"So he's three years younger than Davis and you..."

"Didn't count," Alien said, glancing nervously at Sniper. "We were too far away."

"And I'm two years _older_ than Davis...so why did he turn into a kid?" I asked semi-triumphantly. Damn people have to interrupt every five seconds.

"Better question: why did he turn into a kid, but keep the mind set of an adult?" Chandraputna asked from his position on the couch.

"We have a theory on that. Basically, it reads the hearts of the people around him." She smiled like she expected me to know what the hell she was talking about. "Oh, hell! Sniper and Jamie _act_ like children! Not all the time," the linguist clarified as I glared at her. "You know to behave on missions. But when you don't have to, you both behave like children." Sniper and I both glared at her. "_FOR EXAMPLE_, calling 'Nyan' the 'Blinkin' Bedrosian.' That's kinda childish. And the whole 'Don't tell the general so we can see his face' thing. However," Alien continued before I could protest, "Davis is the boss. He's always in charge and while he'll sometimes act like a kid; it doesn't happen quite as often as it does with us."

"So you're saying...this pillar decided Davis doesn't goof off enough and made him a kid?" Sniper asked.

"Basically."

"So how do we fix him?" Me and Sniper said simultaneously.

"That's what we have to figure out. We know what it says," Alien pointed at another blackboard, "But it doesn't make sense."

"Well, what's it say?" Chandraputna asked without so much as moving.

"'In order to achieve the tempered past, you must remember what it was that you were. Indulge in what you are currently in the manner that is most common to your race and rejoice for you will find salvation of the soul.' Like we said it doesn't make sense." She shrugged apologetically at Davis.

"Oh great! I'll never get back to normal!" Davis went off into his rant, but I wasn't paying attention. Deep in my mind, a thought was forming.

"It can't be that simple."

* * *

Constructive criticism is welcome. Also, anybody from the U.S. PLEASE call your congresspeople and tell them: we want bigger grants andfunds for research into alternative energy sources, such as hydroelectric power and hybrid cars. Thank you. 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** AU, because the only thing I ever remember them saying about SG-10 was they were the team that got sucked into the black hole. Obviously, this SG-10 is not that team. I'm thinking that they were probably the 'lost' team's replacements. Also, if SG-10 was investigating a black hole, I doubt they were a black ops unit. This SG-10 changed functions about the same time they were replacing the old team. Yes, Manda, Doogie Howser was that kid doctor on TV. Also, slight spoiler for Atlantis episode "The Defiant One." Slight as in, if you haven't seen it, you won't notice the spoiler.

Much thanks to my darling beta, RowenaR. Scope out her stuff, if you haven't seen it. It's much better than mine.

On a totally unrelated matter, aren't all fanfics AUs? I mean, if we had to write them, it obviously didn't happen on the show and as such isn't canon. I tried to raise this point with "Sgt..." it went over well so that's going on all my fics now.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Stargate. Gekko does. (That always makes me think of the little lizard with the British accent.) Some other people own it as well. They are all much richer. I think everybody's done a "team member becomes kid fic" so I stole that from the same person everybody else did. There were a few quotes that were inspired by Danvers and the yoghurt thing belongs to Anais. **EF FRIENDLY!

* * *

**

"I wearlly loke oiase cwam," Davis said. At least, that's what it sounded like he said. It was kinda hard to tell since he had a whole scoop of ice cream in his mouth. 

"We can tell," Alien said with a weary smile. The bisexual beeyotch (as I had taken to calling the evil!chef) had agreed to feed Davis ice cream only if Alien and Sniper would sit with him the entire time Davis was eating and go out with him that night. A part of me felt real sorry for them; the rest wanted my best friend back. It's not like they can't take care of themselves.

"Um...we're all gonna go right outside. We'll be right in front of the mess if you need us," I said as I watched the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen. To be so neat and polite most of the time, Davis was a damn pig when it came to chocolate ice cream.

"Ohkah." I understood that. As one the four of us got up and walked out the room; as soon as we were outside, I rounded on Alien.

"Are you sure you translated that damn thing right? Because Davis just looks more like a frinkin' child!" The bisexual evil!chef beeyotch (that sounds even better) bristled and made as to move between me and Alien, but she stopped him in his tracks.

"Yes! We translated that pillar correctly; maybe _you_ didn't translate the translation properly! Ever think of that?" Her eyes flashed very subtly, and I knew she was pissed. As I stepped closer to her and prepared to destroy our fairly fragile friendship, there was a loud crash from inside the mess. I ran to my friend's side and began to take vitals before I even realised what I was looking at: a fully-grown Davis.

SG10SG10SG10SG10

I sat my tray of slop beside Alien's tray (full of nice, normal, real food) and broke into the vegetarian's conversation with Sniper.

"How was your date last night?" As one they moaned and beat their respective heads into the table. "That bad, huh?"

"Worse," Sniper muttered. I shifted closer as I prepared to rip into the bible thumper, but he suddenly changed the subject. "So you can't have any milk?"

"Sure, we can. It just has to be soy," Alien said as she raised her mug to Siler before taking a sip. "Hey, Sy."

"Hi, Siler," Sniper said. "What about cheese?"

"That has to be soy, too. Sniper doesn't understand the concept of 'lactose intolerant,'" she said to Siler as way of explanation. Davis sat down and opened his mouth to talk, but a shake of my head stopped him. Alien and Sniper had this conversation about three weeks ago.

"So no yoghurt?" Sniper asked.

"Not unless it's soy!" Alien said sounding frustrated.

"That can't taste good." I wish I could convey the look on Sniper's face.

"Well, the peach is horrible enough to make you puke and the blueberry's about the same. Drew says good things about the lemon flavour, but that's another thing we're allergic to. So we just stick with good, old raspberry yogurt." Screw Sniper. I wish I could describe Siler's face.

* * *

**A/N:** I really don't like this chapter, but it's a deus ex machina to make the writers proud. Something unexpected come out of nowhere and there's no resolution. Yay! I'll soon be capable of t.v. writing. Concrit welcomed. 


End file.
